How can you tell that you’re in a toxic friendship and that it’s time to part ways? In this segment of Ask Mama J, we’ll explore the difference between a fake friend and a real one, and how to get rid of the former to make room for the latter!
How Can I Tell if I’m in a Toxic Friendship?
Dear Mama J,
I recently stepped away from a group of friends that I have had for a long time. I thought they were my friends because they seemed to accept me, but whenever I tried to be myself, a lot of times I was teased or ignored, so I changed a lot of my actions to be more like them. But I wasn’t feeling good, so I spent some time outside of my group and realized that I felt so much better, like I could breathe for the first time. When I tried taking care of myself, my friends made me feel like I was selfish. I did a hard thing. I walked away from my friend group. But there’s more of them than there is of me, and they make me feel really bad, like I’m a horrible person for what I did. I think I might have been in a toxic environment. What do you think? Am I the bad guy here?
Jordan M.
Ask Mama J
Dear Jordan,
Thank you so much for reaching out! It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, and to write. I’m gonna level with you…that was no easy thing that you did. But it was major. And to be honest, it’s probably going to hurt like a mother for a while. But the silver lining is this: you have just experienced a growth moment, and growing hurts. That’s why it’s called growing pains.
You decided that you wanted something else, something better, than what you were getting. You decided you wanted more, even if you weren’t sure what “more” looked like.
So what does it look like, exactly?
Here are 8 qualities to look for in a true friend:
Friends tell you the truth.
I like to call this “The Lipstick Test.” Once upon a time in the long long ago, I went to lunch with a new friend. I noticed she had lipstick on her teeth, but I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I didn’t say anything. Our server, however, did not have my problem. A friend of my friend, the server let her know quickly. I’ll never forget what she said, “only a true friend would tell you you had lipstick on your teeth.”
It was my turn to be embarrassed next. I apologized, but it stuck with me. If you have a friend, you shouldn’t be afraid they’ll get mad at you or be offended when you bring something to their attention that they were unaware of. And if you are afraid, then maybe that person isn’t really your friend.
Whether it’s something small or something major, like letting a friend know a spouse is cheating on them, real friends are tell each other the truth.
Friends stick up for each other.
The character Wayne in the Canadian TV show Letterkenny said it best: “That’s the difference between friends and pals. A pal will listen to someone talk shit about ya, a friend won’t hear a second of it.”
A good friend will protect you and defend your honor when they hear other people talking smack. A fake friend will join in the conversation.
Friends respect each other’s boundaries.
A good way to find out who your true friends are is to set boundaries. Here’s an example: I recently set a boundary in my personal life that I do not take non-emergency calls or respond to messages after 7 pm. That is the time I like to spend with my family, and I want to be present and enjoy my time with them. It may be a minor inconvenience to someone wanting to chat, but it makes a major difference in the quality of my relationships at home.
My true friends understand and respect this boundary completely. They know that when I spend time with them, I give them the complete attention they deserve, just as I do at home. My non-friends weeded themselves out pretty quickly. I knew that if they weren’t cool with a small boundary or respective of my time and my other relationships, they weren’t going to be cool with establishing a larger boundary.
Wait for true colors to show. Some will say they are cool with a boundary, but their actions will reflect the opposite.
Friends encourage each other
If you have friends that are laughing and mocking you for your dreams, they are not true friends. There’s a difference between tough love or honesty and bringing you down. In life, you may encounter people who play friendly, but really they are waiting for you to fail, and they will do everything in their power to tear you down, just so they can say, “I told you so.”
True friends, on the other hand, encourage each other to succeed, and are happy for each other when they do. A true friend knows that if you win, it doesn’t mean that they lose. You can both win.
Friends listen
Have you ever had a friend that you knew everything about, but they knew nothing about you? I have. One time, I noticed with a particular set of friends that they never seemed to ask me how I was doing. So I decided to see how long it would take before they did, and in the meantime, I would not offer any information about myself. After a year had passed, I decided to cut them loose. The bad part is, I doubt they even noticed.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “you have two ears and one mouth; use them accordingly?” A true friend is interested in you and what makes you tick, and what is going on in your life. Yes, we all need someone to talk to, to share our stories with. But friendships require give and take. Start paying attention to your relationships: does it seem like one person does all the talking, or do you come away feeling like you have shared and have learned new things about your friend? If you’re the one that is doing all the talking, remember that 2 ears/1 mouth thing!
Friends know when to say goodbye
Not all friendships are meant to last forever. Sometimes, your life goes in one direction, and their life goes in another. Or maybe you started living the same lifestyle, but one of you decides to get married, have a family, find religion, or start following The Dead on the road (is that still a thing?).
While you might have been thicker than thieves at one time, now it’s harder to keep up with each other, and you just can’t seem to relate to each other anymore. That doesn’t mean you can’t still wish each other well in your respective journeys. It just means that you have to end your chapter together to make way for the next one.
Sometimes friends outgrow each other. A fake friend will try to hold you back. A true friend won’t. If you want to see an example of an awesome friend, watch the music documentary Wham! on Netflix. Andrew and George from Wham were best friends from the ages of 11 and 12. Writing songs together as teens was a way that they bonded. However, it eventually became clear that George had outgrown Andrew as a songwriter and performer, and Andrew didn’t want the same life that George did. But was Andrew jealous, or did he try to hold George back because he was his “meal ticket”? No! He knew that for George to be great, he was going to have to break up the band and give him some space. He truly loved his friend and wanted the best for him, and he was happy when he achieved the success that he knew he would.
Friends apologize
Sometimes friends screw up. Nobody’s perfect, we are all human after all. But too often these days, rather than just admit that you made a mistake, false friends will ghost you, or gaslight you into thinking you are crazy for being hurt by their actions.
…but not too much
A good friend apologizes and will make a plan to correct the behavior or action moving forward. And then they will correct the behavior. A bad friend, on the other hand, will apologize, and then go right back to the offending behavior or action. So watch out for this: it is good to forgive a friend, but if you are noticing a pattern of someone apologizing for the same things over and over again, it may be time to call it quits.
Friends respect you.
Your time, your boundaries, your body, your beliefs and values, your money, your reputation. If any of this is in question, your friend is not really your friend.
Conclusion
Jordan, I do not think you are the bad guy at all. I think you are very brave for wanting more for yourself. And I hope this has been helpful to you as you forge new friendships and relationships ahead. The people who are in your former circle may come around with time and maturity, and they may become your friends again. But in the meantime, you are off to a great start to making some healthy and strong new friendships!
All the best,
Mama J
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